Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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