The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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