your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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