Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
