saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
