Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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