I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
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We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
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I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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