sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
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Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
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Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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