life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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