it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
