New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
