dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
