Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
