finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
