The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
