What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
should my penis look like a turkey
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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