i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Two words: blizzard sex
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
