She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
