he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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