I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
