Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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