At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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