Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
