I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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