Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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