i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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