You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
