yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
