I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
