Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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