you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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