Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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