i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
