I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
