apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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