Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
