Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Randomize
