I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
