I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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