Im at strip club and am horny
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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