There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
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I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
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I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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