I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
