just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
