found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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