im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
