ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
babies were throwing up all over the place
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
