He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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