just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
being pregnant is like rehab
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
