I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
