I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I FOUND THE LEGS
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