i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
