I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui