if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.