Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
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She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
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Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going