Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?