I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
