Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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