New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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