she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
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We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
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I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.