You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
high people should be assigned attendants
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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