I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
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She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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