You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I think i got beer on your cat.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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