Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
