i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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