So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
