I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
