dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
