then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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