I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
